11:55 PM
12:19 AM
In about 5 minutes it'll be half an hour. I feell.. something. but is it half an hour something?
'34\\\\\
we have gathered matertials that we shall need for our trip. The hshimmer. They shudder.IRhe power of a third noise. I can feel it.Tj le part of jt world, ksist lifeted p
12:35
It's nonsense. as much as I can lucidly say It's nonsense. but it follows it's own logic. Witness. and fear nothing.
,
,\,\\
12
Minor visual hallucinators. Small religious experience by comining kit \\ drugs to receurve a less intense whatever
.It was dreams. it was before.. it's just like, you got a cup of coffee, and ii was a liefvI krrp vlodinh mu rurd, smf ejrm O fop, ftrs,df oggimk gmmmmmmmmmmmmmfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjmfuuuuuuuuuuuuuun
sigh.
2;45 AM. It is over. It's becoming inisidious. The kick is harder to tell. The end is a bit easier. Some physical quirks here and there with the typo,,s but that;s not much, I didn't do it right.iOt my tolerance is human
29.3.12
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
kill me. Icannot stop. I took them tonight because I rationalized if I didn't I would simply take them with the pair tomorrow.
12:25
I felt out of control. I was a punk doing what he was told. And the man who led my punk ass around was me.g Oain. I don't want paib... No pain. Nop ain.. Please..no.. painp,,,;'
12:29 one hour since I took the pills and I cannot feasibly say there was anything going on. Ther'es nothing going on. I'm just standing here
12:25
I felt out of control. I was a punk doing what he was told. And the man who led my punk ass around was me.g Oain. I don't want paib... No pain. Nop ain.. Please..no.. painp,,,;'
12:29 one hour since I took the pills and I cannot feasibly say there was anything going on. Ther'es nothing going on. I'm just standing here
Tuesday, March 27th, 2012
10:55 Attempting under the tongue.
11:05 Well this is disgusting and I woulda felt it already if I had just ingested it orally.
11:08 Too bitter, had to swallow. Put a bit of tomato sauce on my tongue to dull the taste. Guess we see if that did anything now. Going to wait an additional 10 minutes before drinking/eating.
11:26 resumed eating. No effects.
11:40 I am "high" but no visual or auditory changes. As far as I can see, it is in fact weaker than taking them normally.
12:01 tactile distortions are not occuring.
12:47 Sense of high continues. If I am right, it will diminish rapidly at 1 am.
1:10 There was a moment of brief tactile tactile distortion. Still no visual or auditory.
11:05 Well this is disgusting and I woulda felt it already if I had just ingested it orally.
11:08 Too bitter, had to swallow. Put a bit of tomato sauce on my tongue to dull the taste. Guess we see if that did anything now. Going to wait an additional 10 minutes before drinking/eating.
11:26 resumed eating. No effects.
11:40 I am "high" but no visual or auditory changes. As far as I can see, it is in fact weaker than taking them normally.
12:01 tactile distortions are not occuring.
12:47 Sense of high continues. If I am right, it will diminish rapidly at 1 am.
1:10 There was a moment of brief tactile tactile distortion. Still no visual or auditory.
Monday, March 26th
12:45 A bit lightheaded. Don't feel too out of it. More social.
12:46 Added 2 tablets Hydro HXL Tingly. Nervus. Ecited.
1:12 Arguing with a man who doesn't exist over the value of am honest feeling.That was a very good categorizing of the different types.
1:34 Drugged sensation. No sensation of total blackness. No visual or auditory distortions. Nothing. It might as well be over. Makes sense. Half-lives. 2 hours.. half of it's gone by now. So will be less drugged.] the moments I felt earlier was the peak. I have grown tolerance of this.
I will need to sleep without it.
Tomorrow
1:42 I am very much "High", however.
2:09 Still high
12:46 Added 2 tablets Hydro HXL Tingly. Nervus. Ecited.
1:12 Arguing with a man who doesn't exist over the value of am honest feeling.That was a very good categorizing of the different types.
1:34 Drugged sensation. No sensation of total blackness. No visual or auditory distortions. Nothing. It might as well be over. Makes sense. Half-lives. 2 hours.. half of it's gone by now. So will be less drugged.] the moments I felt earlier was the peak. I have grown tolerance of this.
I will need to sleep without it.
Tomorrow
1:42 I am very much "High", however.
2:09 Still high
21.3.12
Wednesday Morning, March 21st
Alive. Overdosed.
Two days of agony with withdrawal. No sleep. Sweaty. Achy. It's like my organs are rebelling. Eyes too. Sometimes brain. Nausea.
I could have died.
I feel a sense of quietness at that, but not fear. It doesn't.. disturb me? It makes me feel.. unsatisfied. I could have ruined everything before the time had come for it. I hadn't even written down last notes or instructions in case of my death.
I really should do that.
Anyways, still need to take ambien for insomnia. Staring at bottle alot. Wondering if I really need this or I've convinced myself and tricked others into thinking I need it. Do I take it? Do I leave it? This thing fucked with me. It's going to fuck with me again. What's worse, insomnia or dependence?
This isn't a livejournal. Not intended to be. But.. if I go, this will have to serve. Last monument to a man who went crazy. Maybe a warning to those who follow. Funny that the fact I could have died doesn't bother me but the fact I might die does. Seconds becomes irrelevant when the next second starts.
Ambien is not for recreation.
Tell me a story. Tell me how someone becomes an addict. They're not born that way. Think. It starts off simple. Go on. It starts with them not an addict. They try it. They won't get addicted. That'll never happen to them. They'll be careful. They're just doing it for fun. That's how your story starts, isn't it? That's how my story starts. It's how it fucking ends.
Anyways, enough melodrama. Time for liftoff. said the astronaut to the rocket made of straw. I know. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. But I've read. Withdrawal can kill. Taper off. Overdose, nothing, one, two. Taper my ass. Excuses. I don't want to. I don't want to die if I take this. I don't want to die if I don't. Rock, hard place. Nothing in life worth having comes easy. Everyone's rolling the dice every day. If I don't take the ambien, there's a chance of my death in the next few days. But then I survive. Chance of death is minimal and drops. At least from ambien. And If I take it, the addiction continues. Chance of death is small but constant.
Have to stop writing. Need.. to lift off. Can't take the black from me.
Felt wrong immediately. Was a mistake. Lift off at 12:15 am. Well. Let's see if I can't score jumanji.
Desire to throw up and/or cry. Disgust. Restraint. Tired. Reading back over words. Train of thought writing is so fascinatingly boring. Random thoughts, words, phrases. Most accurate depiction of who I am, recording thoughts as they come.
Dead man walking.
I can feel it. Spider leg sensations in my brain. Altering my thoughts. Altering my mood. Pain alleviating. Stings. Blurs. It reduces the sharpness of life by applying a giant smudge over me. Ate a piece of bread. Too late, maybe. Should do, next time, if next time, before. Soak up the gastric acids and the dissolving components of ambien. Slow it from reaching blood stream. Not sure what it can do now. But must remember.
It is attempting to initiatie? When I sit down, I feel as if though I have sat in a comfortable position and now the scene shall shift to my pleasure, as if Iwas a commander, The keys ghauntd by needle like beASTFKM;;;L]]
dIS IS NDIS IS MY LIEWE]
'SS'IIU'I;iT A A AIIII RIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
aNDSOBY THWE FOURTH N I GH THE WWWWWWILOL COMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEM'''
eEXPERIENCEIT WAS LIKTHERE WA A TEAN IF OEIOKE diuuntrwufdryhjuh
anad here we gi,wstrange worlkf, Obey ir;s tuklr snd you fodo fimre///////////////////////////////////////////////qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
Attempted to continue work on next update. Was interrupted repeadrely by elements of the pobt who insisted on redring things in a certan way and the pont itself was sarcasc as heck is the a word for that? Snide, he was snide. Managed to finish work. Delusions: There were grass-like things entrenched in keyboard. Everything had dusty tenrils of plant on it.the seat could move me places, and I was being watched. Literall,ym people just appear and be there and like ah hey men.
Yea it's wierd.
Controlled in the end. controlled.
Sleepy. Content. Work to do. Work have done. Good test. Contrrol established.
Two days of agony with withdrawal. No sleep. Sweaty. Achy. It's like my organs are rebelling. Eyes too. Sometimes brain. Nausea.
I could have died.
I feel a sense of quietness at that, but not fear. It doesn't.. disturb me? It makes me feel.. unsatisfied. I could have ruined everything before the time had come for it. I hadn't even written down last notes or instructions in case of my death.
I really should do that.
Anyways, still need to take ambien for insomnia. Staring at bottle alot. Wondering if I really need this or I've convinced myself and tricked others into thinking I need it. Do I take it? Do I leave it? This thing fucked with me. It's going to fuck with me again. What's worse, insomnia or dependence?
This isn't a livejournal. Not intended to be. But.. if I go, this will have to serve. Last monument to a man who went crazy. Maybe a warning to those who follow. Funny that the fact I could have died doesn't bother me but the fact I might die does. Seconds becomes irrelevant when the next second starts.
Ambien is not for recreation.
Tell me a story. Tell me how someone becomes an addict. They're not born that way. Think. It starts off simple. Go on. It starts with them not an addict. They try it. They won't get addicted. That'll never happen to them. They'll be careful. They're just doing it for fun. That's how your story starts, isn't it? That's how my story starts. It's how it fucking ends.
Anyways, enough melodrama. Time for liftoff. said the astronaut to the rocket made of straw. I know. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. But I've read. Withdrawal can kill. Taper off. Overdose, nothing, one, two. Taper my ass. Excuses. I don't want to. I don't want to die if I take this. I don't want to die if I don't. Rock, hard place. Nothing in life worth having comes easy. Everyone's rolling the dice every day. If I don't take the ambien, there's a chance of my death in the next few days. But then I survive. Chance of death is minimal and drops. At least from ambien. And If I take it, the addiction continues. Chance of death is small but constant.
Have to stop writing. Need.. to lift off. Can't take the black from me.
Felt wrong immediately. Was a mistake. Lift off at 12:15 am. Well. Let's see if I can't score jumanji.
Desire to throw up and/or cry. Disgust. Restraint. Tired. Reading back over words. Train of thought writing is so fascinatingly boring. Random thoughts, words, phrases. Most accurate depiction of who I am, recording thoughts as they come.
Dead man walking.
I can feel it. Spider leg sensations in my brain. Altering my thoughts. Altering my mood. Pain alleviating. Stings. Blurs. It reduces the sharpness of life by applying a giant smudge over me. Ate a piece of bread. Too late, maybe. Should do, next time, if next time, before. Soak up the gastric acids and the dissolving components of ambien. Slow it from reaching blood stream. Not sure what it can do now. But must remember.
It is attempting to initiatie? When I sit down, I feel as if though I have sat in a comfortable position and now the scene shall shift to my pleasure, as if Iwas a commander, The keys ghauntd by needle like beASTFKM;;;L]]
dIS IS NDIS IS MY LIEWE]
'SS'IIU'I;iT A A AIIII RIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
aNDSOBY THWE FOURTH N I GH THE WWWWWWILOL COMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEM'''
eEXPERIENCEIT WAS LIKTHERE WA A TEAN IF OEIOKE diuuntrwufdryhjuh
anad here we gi,wstrange worlkf, Obey ir;s tuklr snd you fodo fimre///////////////////////////////////////////////qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
Attempted to continue work on next update. Was interrupted repeadrely by elements of the pobt who insisted on redring things in a certan way and the pont itself was sarcasc as heck is the a word for that? Snide, he was snide. Managed to finish work. Delusions: There were grass-like things entrenched in keyboard. Everything had dusty tenrils of plant on it.the seat could move me places, and I was being watched. Literall,ym people just appear and be there and like ah hey men.
Yea it's wierd.
Controlled in the end. controlled.
Sleepy. Content. Work to do. Work have done. Good test. Contrrol established.
18.3.12
Sunday Afternoon, March 18
Liftoff-
7 pm today.
Was caught. Parent said I was "high", was offended. Angry. I sat down and did nothing. I knew I had done ill. I went to my room without diner, and laid down.
Woke up around 8:11
got up, mum had kept some of meal i prepared in the microwave.. I ate as much as I could, but left the rest.
I didn't want her to feel like I was being cold to her by refusing to eat. It was good food. The pork chops were delicious, the beans, the rice, crisp and good.Good food. Cold. Warmed up, not the same as fresh. What what is?
I decided enough.
This is controlling me. This i not mediical use, this is using a drug to get a recreational high thgifg IS THE MOMENT wTHREIS is where a man faulters and falls.. using drgs recreationall... altering my mindscale.sell that;s a fantast sdsantioj'weitrt;s need imagination andexoeriencethey must feek in their skin the very things they ti ine dat descrjb////////////////////////////////////b'''
This is what has happened. when I close my eyes and relax, the medicine does its work. Outside of it, it's a mild narcotic. And I has a hold on me.
and I will not allow it.
I will destroy this hold. I will destroy IT. It has drowned my mind. Now I will drown it down the tunnels it solovingly recreates.
7 pm today.
Was caught. Parent said I was "high", was offended. Angry. I sat down and did nothing. I knew I had done ill. I went to my room without diner, and laid down.
Woke up around 8:11
got up, mum had kept some of meal i prepared in the microwave.. I ate as much as I could, but left the rest.
I didn't want her to feel like I was being cold to her by refusing to eat. It was good food. The pork chops were delicious, the beans, the rice, crisp and good.Good food. Cold. Warmed up, not the same as fresh. What what is?
I decided enough.
This is controlling me. This i not mediical use, this is using a drug to get a recreational high thgifg IS THE MOMENT wTHREIS is where a man faulters and falls.. using drgs recreationall... altering my mindscale.sell that;s a fantast sdsantioj'weitrt;s need imagination andexoeriencethey must feek in their skin the very things they ti ine dat descrjb////////////////////////////////////b'''
This is what has happened. when I close my eyes and relax, the medicine does its work. Outside of it, it's a mild narcotic. And I has a hold on me.
and I will not allow it.
I will destroy this hold. I will destroy IT. It has drowned my mind. Now I will drown it down the tunnels it solovingly recreates.
Sunday Morning, March 18, 2012
12:20 am Lift off
12:37 - Mild psychotropic effects, no severe effects. No shifting, movements, delusions. Minor motor control impeded. That is all.It is very weak.
1:42 - Nothing. Just a heavy, drugged buzz. No big hallucinations. No loss of control. No gliding. Far as I can tell, 2 tablets is officially within toleration level- it now only acts as little more than a narcotic.
12:37 - Mild psychotropic effects, no severe effects. No shifting, movements, delusions. Minor motor control impeded. That is all.It is very weak.
1:42 - Nothing. Just a heavy, drugged buzz. No big hallucinations. No loss of control. No gliding. Far as I can tell, 2 tablets is officially within toleration level- it now only acts as little more than a narcotic.
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