11:55 PM
12:19 AM
In about 5 minutes it'll be half an hour. I feell.. something. but is it half an hour something?
'34\\\\\
we have gathered matertials that we shall need for our trip. The hshimmer. They shudder.IRhe power of a third noise. I can feel it.Tj le part of jt world, ksist lifeted p
12:35
It's nonsense. as much as I can lucidly say It's nonsense. but it follows it's own logic. Witness. and fear nothing.
,
,\,\\
12
Minor visual hallucinators. Small religious experience by comining kit \\ drugs to receurve a less intense whatever
.It was dreams. it was before.. it's just like, you got a cup of coffee, and ii was a liefvI krrp vlodinh mu rurd, smf ejrm O fop, ftrs,df oggimk gmmmmmmmmmmmmmfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjmfuuuuuuuuuuuuuun
sigh.
2;45 AM. It is over. It's becoming inisidious. The kick is harder to tell. The end is a bit easier. Some physical quirks here and there with the typo,,s but that;s not much, I didn't do it right.iOt my tolerance is human
29.3.12
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
kill me. Icannot stop. I took them tonight because I rationalized if I didn't I would simply take them with the pair tomorrow.
12:25
I felt out of control. I was a punk doing what he was told. And the man who led my punk ass around was me.g Oain. I don't want paib... No pain. Nop ain.. Please..no.. painp,,,;'
12:29 one hour since I took the pills and I cannot feasibly say there was anything going on. Ther'es nothing going on. I'm just standing here
12:25
I felt out of control. I was a punk doing what he was told. And the man who led my punk ass around was me.g Oain. I don't want paib... No pain. Nop ain.. Please..no.. painp,,,;'
12:29 one hour since I took the pills and I cannot feasibly say there was anything going on. Ther'es nothing going on. I'm just standing here
Tuesday, March 27th, 2012
10:55 Attempting under the tongue.
11:05 Well this is disgusting and I woulda felt it already if I had just ingested it orally.
11:08 Too bitter, had to swallow. Put a bit of tomato sauce on my tongue to dull the taste. Guess we see if that did anything now. Going to wait an additional 10 minutes before drinking/eating.
11:26 resumed eating. No effects.
11:40 I am "high" but no visual or auditory changes. As far as I can see, it is in fact weaker than taking them normally.
12:01 tactile distortions are not occuring.
12:47 Sense of high continues. If I am right, it will diminish rapidly at 1 am.
1:10 There was a moment of brief tactile tactile distortion. Still no visual or auditory.
11:05 Well this is disgusting and I woulda felt it already if I had just ingested it orally.
11:08 Too bitter, had to swallow. Put a bit of tomato sauce on my tongue to dull the taste. Guess we see if that did anything now. Going to wait an additional 10 minutes before drinking/eating.
11:26 resumed eating. No effects.
11:40 I am "high" but no visual or auditory changes. As far as I can see, it is in fact weaker than taking them normally.
12:01 tactile distortions are not occuring.
12:47 Sense of high continues. If I am right, it will diminish rapidly at 1 am.
1:10 There was a moment of brief tactile tactile distortion. Still no visual or auditory.
Monday, March 26th
12:45 A bit lightheaded. Don't feel too out of it. More social.
12:46 Added 2 tablets Hydro HXL Tingly. Nervus. Ecited.
1:12 Arguing with a man who doesn't exist over the value of am honest feeling.That was a very good categorizing of the different types.
1:34 Drugged sensation. No sensation of total blackness. No visual or auditory distortions. Nothing. It might as well be over. Makes sense. Half-lives. 2 hours.. half of it's gone by now. So will be less drugged.] the moments I felt earlier was the peak. I have grown tolerance of this.
I will need to sleep without it.
Tomorrow
1:42 I am very much "High", however.
2:09 Still high
12:46 Added 2 tablets Hydro HXL Tingly. Nervus. Ecited.
1:12 Arguing with a man who doesn't exist over the value of am honest feeling.That was a very good categorizing of the different types.
1:34 Drugged sensation. No sensation of total blackness. No visual or auditory distortions. Nothing. It might as well be over. Makes sense. Half-lives. 2 hours.. half of it's gone by now. So will be less drugged.] the moments I felt earlier was the peak. I have grown tolerance of this.
I will need to sleep without it.
Tomorrow
1:42 I am very much "High", however.
2:09 Still high
21.3.12
Wednesday Morning, March 21st
Alive. Overdosed.
Two days of agony with withdrawal. No sleep. Sweaty. Achy. It's like my organs are rebelling. Eyes too. Sometimes brain. Nausea.
I could have died.
I feel a sense of quietness at that, but not fear. It doesn't.. disturb me? It makes me feel.. unsatisfied. I could have ruined everything before the time had come for it. I hadn't even written down last notes or instructions in case of my death.
I really should do that.
Anyways, still need to take ambien for insomnia. Staring at bottle alot. Wondering if I really need this or I've convinced myself and tricked others into thinking I need it. Do I take it? Do I leave it? This thing fucked with me. It's going to fuck with me again. What's worse, insomnia or dependence?
This isn't a livejournal. Not intended to be. But.. if I go, this will have to serve. Last monument to a man who went crazy. Maybe a warning to those who follow. Funny that the fact I could have died doesn't bother me but the fact I might die does. Seconds becomes irrelevant when the next second starts.
Ambien is not for recreation.
Tell me a story. Tell me how someone becomes an addict. They're not born that way. Think. It starts off simple. Go on. It starts with them not an addict. They try it. They won't get addicted. That'll never happen to them. They'll be careful. They're just doing it for fun. That's how your story starts, isn't it? That's how my story starts. It's how it fucking ends.
Anyways, enough melodrama. Time for liftoff. said the astronaut to the rocket made of straw. I know. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. But I've read. Withdrawal can kill. Taper off. Overdose, nothing, one, two. Taper my ass. Excuses. I don't want to. I don't want to die if I take this. I don't want to die if I don't. Rock, hard place. Nothing in life worth having comes easy. Everyone's rolling the dice every day. If I don't take the ambien, there's a chance of my death in the next few days. But then I survive. Chance of death is minimal and drops. At least from ambien. And If I take it, the addiction continues. Chance of death is small but constant.
Have to stop writing. Need.. to lift off. Can't take the black from me.
Felt wrong immediately. Was a mistake. Lift off at 12:15 am. Well. Let's see if I can't score jumanji.
Desire to throw up and/or cry. Disgust. Restraint. Tired. Reading back over words. Train of thought writing is so fascinatingly boring. Random thoughts, words, phrases. Most accurate depiction of who I am, recording thoughts as they come.
Dead man walking.
I can feel it. Spider leg sensations in my brain. Altering my thoughts. Altering my mood. Pain alleviating. Stings. Blurs. It reduces the sharpness of life by applying a giant smudge over me. Ate a piece of bread. Too late, maybe. Should do, next time, if next time, before. Soak up the gastric acids and the dissolving components of ambien. Slow it from reaching blood stream. Not sure what it can do now. But must remember.
It is attempting to initiatie? When I sit down, I feel as if though I have sat in a comfortable position and now the scene shall shift to my pleasure, as if Iwas a commander, The keys ghauntd by needle like beASTFKM;;;L]]
dIS IS NDIS IS MY LIEWE]
'SS'IIU'I;iT A A AIIII RIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
aNDSOBY THWE FOURTH N I GH THE WWWWWWILOL COMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEM'''
eEXPERIENCEIT WAS LIKTHERE WA A TEAN IF OEIOKE diuuntrwufdryhjuh
anad here we gi,wstrange worlkf, Obey ir;s tuklr snd you fodo fimre///////////////////////////////////////////////qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
Attempted to continue work on next update. Was interrupted repeadrely by elements of the pobt who insisted on redring things in a certan way and the pont itself was sarcasc as heck is the a word for that? Snide, he was snide. Managed to finish work. Delusions: There were grass-like things entrenched in keyboard. Everything had dusty tenrils of plant on it.the seat could move me places, and I was being watched. Literall,ym people just appear and be there and like ah hey men.
Yea it's wierd.
Controlled in the end. controlled.
Sleepy. Content. Work to do. Work have done. Good test. Contrrol established.
Two days of agony with withdrawal. No sleep. Sweaty. Achy. It's like my organs are rebelling. Eyes too. Sometimes brain. Nausea.
I could have died.
I feel a sense of quietness at that, but not fear. It doesn't.. disturb me? It makes me feel.. unsatisfied. I could have ruined everything before the time had come for it. I hadn't even written down last notes or instructions in case of my death.
I really should do that.
Anyways, still need to take ambien for insomnia. Staring at bottle alot. Wondering if I really need this or I've convinced myself and tricked others into thinking I need it. Do I take it? Do I leave it? This thing fucked with me. It's going to fuck with me again. What's worse, insomnia or dependence?
This isn't a livejournal. Not intended to be. But.. if I go, this will have to serve. Last monument to a man who went crazy. Maybe a warning to those who follow. Funny that the fact I could have died doesn't bother me but the fact I might die does. Seconds becomes irrelevant when the next second starts.
Ambien is not for recreation.
Tell me a story. Tell me how someone becomes an addict. They're not born that way. Think. It starts off simple. Go on. It starts with them not an addict. They try it. They won't get addicted. That'll never happen to them. They'll be careful. They're just doing it for fun. That's how your story starts, isn't it? That's how my story starts. It's how it fucking ends.
Anyways, enough melodrama. Time for liftoff. said the astronaut to the rocket made of straw. I know. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. But I've read. Withdrawal can kill. Taper off. Overdose, nothing, one, two. Taper my ass. Excuses. I don't want to. I don't want to die if I take this. I don't want to die if I don't. Rock, hard place. Nothing in life worth having comes easy. Everyone's rolling the dice every day. If I don't take the ambien, there's a chance of my death in the next few days. But then I survive. Chance of death is minimal and drops. At least from ambien. And If I take it, the addiction continues. Chance of death is small but constant.
Have to stop writing. Need.. to lift off. Can't take the black from me.
Felt wrong immediately. Was a mistake. Lift off at 12:15 am. Well. Let's see if I can't score jumanji.
Desire to throw up and/or cry. Disgust. Restraint. Tired. Reading back over words. Train of thought writing is so fascinatingly boring. Random thoughts, words, phrases. Most accurate depiction of who I am, recording thoughts as they come.
Dead man walking.
I can feel it. Spider leg sensations in my brain. Altering my thoughts. Altering my mood. Pain alleviating. Stings. Blurs. It reduces the sharpness of life by applying a giant smudge over me. Ate a piece of bread. Too late, maybe. Should do, next time, if next time, before. Soak up the gastric acids and the dissolving components of ambien. Slow it from reaching blood stream. Not sure what it can do now. But must remember.
It is attempting to initiatie? When I sit down, I feel as if though I have sat in a comfortable position and now the scene shall shift to my pleasure, as if Iwas a commander, The keys ghauntd by needle like beASTFKM;;;L]]
dIS IS NDIS IS MY LIEWE]
'SS'IIU'I;iT A A AIIII RIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
aNDSOBY THWE FOURTH N I GH THE WWWWWWILOL COMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEM'''
eEXPERIENCEIT WAS LIKTHERE WA A TEAN IF OEIOKE diuuntrwufdryhjuh
anad here we gi,wstrange worlkf, Obey ir;s tuklr snd you fodo fimre///////////////////////////////////////////////qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq
Attempted to continue work on next update. Was interrupted repeadrely by elements of the pobt who insisted on redring things in a certan way and the pont itself was sarcasc as heck is the a word for that? Snide, he was snide. Managed to finish work. Delusions: There were grass-like things entrenched in keyboard. Everything had dusty tenrils of plant on it.the seat could move me places, and I was being watched. Literall,ym people just appear and be there and like ah hey men.
Yea it's wierd.
Controlled in the end. controlled.
Sleepy. Content. Work to do. Work have done. Good test. Contrrol established.
18.3.12
Sunday Afternoon, March 18
Liftoff-
7 pm today.
Was caught. Parent said I was "high", was offended. Angry. I sat down and did nothing. I knew I had done ill. I went to my room without diner, and laid down.
Woke up around 8:11
got up, mum had kept some of meal i prepared in the microwave.. I ate as much as I could, but left the rest.
I didn't want her to feel like I was being cold to her by refusing to eat. It was good food. The pork chops were delicious, the beans, the rice, crisp and good.Good food. Cold. Warmed up, not the same as fresh. What what is?
I decided enough.
This is controlling me. This i not mediical use, this is using a drug to get a recreational high thgifg IS THE MOMENT wTHREIS is where a man faulters and falls.. using drgs recreationall... altering my mindscale.sell that;s a fantast sdsantioj'weitrt;s need imagination andexoeriencethey must feek in their skin the very things they ti ine dat descrjb////////////////////////////////////b'''
This is what has happened. when I close my eyes and relax, the medicine does its work. Outside of it, it's a mild narcotic. And I has a hold on me.
and I will not allow it.
I will destroy this hold. I will destroy IT. It has drowned my mind. Now I will drown it down the tunnels it solovingly recreates.
7 pm today.
Was caught. Parent said I was "high", was offended. Angry. I sat down and did nothing. I knew I had done ill. I went to my room without diner, and laid down.
Woke up around 8:11
got up, mum had kept some of meal i prepared in the microwave.. I ate as much as I could, but left the rest.
I didn't want her to feel like I was being cold to her by refusing to eat. It was good food. The pork chops were delicious, the beans, the rice, crisp and good.Good food. Cold. Warmed up, not the same as fresh. What what is?
I decided enough.
This is controlling me. This i not mediical use, this is using a drug to get a recreational high thgifg IS THE MOMENT wTHREIS is where a man faulters and falls.. using drgs recreationall... altering my mindscale.sell that;s a fantast sdsantioj'weitrt;s need imagination andexoeriencethey must feek in their skin the very things they ti ine dat descrjb////////////////////////////////////b'''
This is what has happened. when I close my eyes and relax, the medicine does its work. Outside of it, it's a mild narcotic. And I has a hold on me.
and I will not allow it.
I will destroy this hold. I will destroy IT. It has drowned my mind. Now I will drown it down the tunnels it solovingly recreates.
Sunday Morning, March 18, 2012
12:20 am Lift off
12:37 - Mild psychotropic effects, no severe effects. No shifting, movements, delusions. Minor motor control impeded. That is all.It is very weak.
1:42 - Nothing. Just a heavy, drugged buzz. No big hallucinations. No loss of control. No gliding. Far as I can tell, 2 tablets is officially within toleration level- it now only acts as little more than a narcotic.
12:37 - Mild psychotropic effects, no severe effects. No shifting, movements, delusions. Minor motor control impeded. That is all.It is very weak.
1:42 - Nothing. Just a heavy, drugged buzz. No big hallucinations. No loss of control. No gliding. Far as I can tell, 2 tablets is officially within toleration level- it now only acts as little more than a narcotic.
17.3.12
Saturday Morning, March 17th
12:10 - Liftoff
12:30 - Flirting with the Canon AJ Mod. transient experiences sort of.. become a prt of ous, no resistance, is old hat, is strange. odd oddcurens- cjack, cough, we wait, and then we continue..
12:50 -Drifting, pleasant, sensation, is nice is good is nice is good is s fake but so is reality this is an escape and we are running.. and it is good
People don't care about me
I do not care about me
I am a shamed of myself
A fat waste of flesh living off his parent's pity. Friendless. Companionless. And yet has known them. And lose them, with burned scars. I am a freak. Disgusting.
The moment. White concrete staircase black steel railing shaky, steps wall-worn and rock,y, walls papered with advertisments... the cafe was always clean, clean, clean, seats in the right places, set up against the window, while outside large round tables sat like taf spinning top..
She said, she'd rather I not come this tome. It was majority vote. Unanimous. Everything. Every single person I had met, every friend I tought I had formed.. unanimous. Rejection.
Saw myself for first time for what I was. Every aspect of what I am. The kind of person I am, have been, will be. Realized... and could think then of only eradication.
An hour of cold, staring at the clock. 11:40. 11:40. dim light. Empty chairs. Wooden. Pattern of pavement engrained. Pond beneath the clock. 10:40. 10.40. I'm me. Drowned the pills. Died.
Body Was revived and sent to psych ward. Boring. Tedious. White. Didn't want to talk. Caused problems in not talking.Couldn't do anything. Family visited. Family didn't know what to say. Family wanted me to know I was there. Family didn't come out and hold me. No friends can.
Nobody came to visit.
No one would know if I vanished.. or no one would care.
Everything avoids that moment. It's a paradox. The steel holding up the abdomination of flesh and scarred wounds oozing us. I have seen what I am, and I utterly loathe myself for it.Nothing I can can ultimately have value from someone like me. Just stories.
So easy to break me. So few defenses I can raise.
So tired of fighting. So tired.
What is it like out there.. with real friendship circles?
Do people.. come and visit you, just because?
Do you hang out for no reason but that you enjoy their company? Give gifts despte protests, because you love them? Love them whole heartedly, for accepting you?
This is this great beast of me, this great reality that no one can touch. I talk to people through masks, faces. Praying that one day I'll become the mask.
Despair is the worst of all sins.
To have no hope. and I have none.
I choose to live anyways. To fight. To struggle.
I want to tell my story. The story of a pony so intricately combined with hope, and despair. Who chased her dreams at all ends, and despaired. She is my character, in the end, representing a vague mishmah of time and mouse clicks in the visual medium, trying to evoke the sensations that define me.
I want to tell this story. I Must tell this story.
I know how this story ends. And people must-need-require- to know- what it feels- to know-that we can fight
even
after
we give up
1:25 am
2:18 am Discussion with fellow medicine takers leads to conclusion that I am not addicted; I am growing a TOLERANCE to it and being forced to take more to get the same effect. This is similiar to addiction, howver, I was able to go without it twice for a week without craving it or fighting against alternatives. So I may STILL be addicted, but at the very least, not as much as I think I am, and taking more to get the same effect is a safe idea -for now-. I need to call a doctor.
So yeah, I'm gonna live. Because for just a few moments, I was part of a community talking to each other, admitting things and sharing, and giving advice on how to best save my life. It felt.. nice..
12:30 - Flirting with the Canon AJ Mod. transient experiences sort of.. become a prt of ous, no resistance, is old hat, is strange. odd oddcurens- cjack, cough, we wait, and then we continue..
12:50 -Drifting, pleasant, sensation, is nice is good is nice is good is s fake but so is reality this is an escape and we are running.. and it is good
People don't care about me
I do not care about me
I am a shamed of myself
A fat waste of flesh living off his parent's pity. Friendless. Companionless. And yet has known them. And lose them, with burned scars. I am a freak. Disgusting.
The moment. White concrete staircase black steel railing shaky, steps wall-worn and rock,y, walls papered with advertisments... the cafe was always clean, clean, clean, seats in the right places, set up against the window, while outside large round tables sat like taf spinning top..
She said, she'd rather I not come this tome. It was majority vote. Unanimous. Everything. Every single person I had met, every friend I tought I had formed.. unanimous. Rejection.
Saw myself for first time for what I was. Every aspect of what I am. The kind of person I am, have been, will be. Realized... and could think then of only eradication.
An hour of cold, staring at the clock. 11:40. 11:40. dim light. Empty chairs. Wooden. Pattern of pavement engrained. Pond beneath the clock. 10:40. 10.40. I'm me. Drowned the pills. Died.
Body Was revived and sent to psych ward. Boring. Tedious. White. Didn't want to talk. Caused problems in not talking.Couldn't do anything. Family visited. Family didn't know what to say. Family wanted me to know I was there. Family didn't come out and hold me. No friends can.
Nobody came to visit.
No one would know if I vanished.. or no one would care.
Everything avoids that moment. It's a paradox. The steel holding up the abdomination of flesh and scarred wounds oozing us. I have seen what I am, and I utterly loathe myself for it.Nothing I can can ultimately have value from someone like me. Just stories.
So easy to break me. So few defenses I can raise.
So tired of fighting. So tired.
What is it like out there.. with real friendship circles?
Do people.. come and visit you, just because?
Do you hang out for no reason but that you enjoy their company? Give gifts despte protests, because you love them? Love them whole heartedly, for accepting you?
This is this great beast of me, this great reality that no one can touch. I talk to people through masks, faces. Praying that one day I'll become the mask.
Despair is the worst of all sins.
To have no hope. and I have none.
I choose to live anyways. To fight. To struggle.
I want to tell my story. The story of a pony so intricately combined with hope, and despair. Who chased her dreams at all ends, and despaired. She is my character, in the end, representing a vague mishmah of time and mouse clicks in the visual medium, trying to evoke the sensations that define me.
I want to tell this story. I Must tell this story.
I know how this story ends. And people must-need-require- to know- what it feels- to know-that we can fight
even
after
we give up
1:25 am
2:18 am Discussion with fellow medicine takers leads to conclusion that I am not addicted; I am growing a TOLERANCE to it and being forced to take more to get the same effect. This is similiar to addiction, howver, I was able to go without it twice for a week without craving it or fighting against alternatives. So I may STILL be addicted, but at the very least, not as much as I think I am, and taking more to get the same effect is a safe idea -for now-. I need to call a doctor.
So yeah, I'm gonna live. Because for just a few moments, I was part of a community talking to each other, admitting things and sharing, and giving advice on how to best save my life. It felt.. nice..
12.3.12
Monday morning, March 12th, 2012
1:53 AM - Liftoff
I am NOT going to comment on floatiness. Just marking down when and what I feel.
2:23 AM -
Under the effects. Going to gauge by how well I can type while under these effects. With my eyes closed, it feels quite... peaceful, as if I werea rocking boat. The sensation with my eyes closed proved to be far stronger then the effects when I am aware and combative. I can blink, but I can't close my eyes.It hastens the degrediation of my mental faculties.
2:25 - AM
2:49 -
Mosly in control. Feels different than normal trips. This one is almost kind of.. psuedo. Like it's giving a tiny taste of things. This may ne necause I am resist it, and it will go all out if I submit. I will do.
2:51 a,m
3:39 am
No changes. I've felt effects, but only if I relaxx my guard to purposely experience them. In this way I know I would be feeling them, and their intention- if only for the resolve the shields me from it.
3:42 am
Bed time. No loss of control this session. Experiment concluded. Victorious.
I am NOT going to comment on floatiness. Just marking down when and what I feel.
2:23 AM -
Under the effects. Going to gauge by how well I can type while under these effects. With my eyes closed, it feels quite... peaceful, as if I werea rocking boat. The sensation with my eyes closed proved to be far stronger then the effects when I am aware and combative. I can blink, but I can't close my eyes.It hastens the degrediation of my mental faculties.
2:25 - AM
2:49 -
Mosly in control. Feels different than normal trips. This one is almost kind of.. psuedo. Like it's giving a tiny taste of things. This may ne necause I am resist it, and it will go all out if I submit. I will do.
2:51 a,m
3:39 am
No changes. I've felt effects, but only if I relaxx my guard to purposely experience them. In this way I know I would be feeling them, and their intention- if only for the resolve the shields me from it.
3:42 am
Bed time. No loss of control this session. Experiment concluded. Victorious.
11.3.12
Sunday Morning, March 11, 2012
1:52 AM (2:52 AM with Daylight Savings): Liftoff
I swear to god I am not going to fucking say THIS IS NOT REAL I CAN FEEEEL IT this time. I swear to god, I am going to friggin smack myself if I do that one more time. Ugh. GET SOME NEW DAMN HALLUCINATIONS ME
3:02 (10 minutes in)
It's kicking in. Normally, I'd say "Not feeling it yet" but I know enough about the sensations by now to know I'm effected by it now. And I have a mostly empty stomach.. this is gonna hit hard.
Why don't I just go to bed?
I should just go to bed..
I really.. should..
Rthis is tghe beginning of the transformation. Sensations tied in with my moveements posiitive reinforcement, Allows me to act freely, encourahfkdeirnkirjdiwn and then makes it completly uunderabkje to bne understood It's
It''sss
Iaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
tke batt;e emds/
tjere are sodes/ emkelle foes. fpo;s rova;s tieki wa,t tyylllllllllll]]]\\\
3- 331 a,m
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
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3:54
The effecrs have kind of .. taing independence. I feel entirely like myself- no swinging, no mood altering, nothing m essing with my sense. But all the things are going backwards.. wrog.
4"11 This has beeen a very.. w eak.. strea,h...
BONUS ROUND
I swear to god I am not going to fucking say THIS IS NOT REAL I CAN FEEEEL IT this time. I swear to god, I am going to friggin smack myself if I do that one more time. Ugh. GET SOME NEW DAMN HALLUCINATIONS ME
3:02 (10 minutes in)
It's kicking in. Normally, I'd say "Not feeling it yet" but I know enough about the sensations by now to know I'm effected by it now. And I have a mostly empty stomach.. this is gonna hit hard.
Why don't I just go to bed?
I should just go to bed..
I really.. should..
Rthis is tghe beginning of the transformation. Sensations tied in with my moveements posiitive reinforcement, Allows me to act freely, encourahfkdeirnkirjdiwn and then makes it completly uunderabkje to bne understood It's
It''sss
Iaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
tke batt;e emds/
tjere are sodes/ emkelle foes. fpo;s rova;s tieki wa,t tyylllllllllll]]]\\\
3- 331 a,m
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
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3:54
The effecrs have kind of .. taing independence. I feel entirely like myself- no swinging, no mood altering, nothing m essing with my sense. But all the things are going backwards.. wrog.
4"11 This has beeen a very.. w eak.. strea,h...
BONUS ROUND
10.3.12
Saturday Morning, March 10th, 2012
2:28 Lift Off
2:57
Extreme effort, IO am still here.I can feel it in subtle ways. The things I look at, the perpectives I would not have looked. A view of a nother;s world. An expanding..... A different view. This, by itelf, is valuable. Thrse insights, I can add to my p
]
g
3:14
No psykotic breaks ye. Vulnerable. Have trouble following- not slow, but perceirivng differently. Cannot explain while driggged.
2:57
Extreme effort, IO am still here.I can feel it in subtle ways. The things I look at, the perpectives I would not have looked. A view of a nother;s world. An expanding..... A different view. This, by itelf, is valuable. Thrse insights, I can add to my p
]
g
3:14
No psykotic breaks ye. Vulnerable. Have trouble following- not slow, but perceirivng differently. Cannot explain while driggged.
9.3.12
Friday Morning, March 9th, 2012
2:25 Liftoff
Been a few days since I last did this, had to wait to get the new prescription filled. 60 tablets? Jesus christ on a stick. I mean, I'm.. I don't know. That's.. that's too many, even I cringe. Taking 2 a day for 30 days is guarandamnteed to lead into some godawful bad shit. Granted I was starting to take two a day anyways, but now that I've been off it for a while, I can see how much it was fucking with my head. It was like I was drugged sometimes during the day. Two is too much. Too much for real use. Too much for long term use.
Safe dosage is 1 tablet 3-5 times a week for no more than 2-3 weeks. This is 2, 7, 4. If I do this, this is going to fuck me up. This is going to hurt. This is stupid.
I've decided I've got to cut it back to 1 a night, somehow. I don't know how. I know I'm still taking two and will probably do so for a while. I've got to, in order to sleep. and my doctor knows best, right?
Right.. I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this. My time is limited, and so's my mind. I want to tell my story. I want to share that story, just once. To go through with it, to finish it, to end it, to tell a moral. And let it fly.. or fall. I don't imagine it'll be famous, but.. I want to do my best. I want to touch as many people as I can. I want them to know some part of me, some expression that's unique to me, that only I can create.
Despair and hope. Enjoying life. Accepting death. Overcoming limitations.
If my mind breaks, I can't tell the story as well. I have to hold back. I can't do 60 tablets in a month. I need to be able to use the full faculties of my mind. I've got to get out of this medicated haze before the fog rolls in.
2:33 End spiel
NO FUCK YOU I SEE WHAT'S REAL
2:43
Effects are clearly taking effect. Undulating visuals. No longer able to distinghusgh between things.Th The pony is behind this paper. This pwper is kjust a paper.rrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Been a few days since I last did this, had to wait to get the new prescription filled. 60 tablets? Jesus christ on a stick. I mean, I'm.. I don't know. That's.. that's too many, even I cringe. Taking 2 a day for 30 days is guarandamnteed to lead into some godawful bad shit. Granted I was starting to take two a day anyways, but now that I've been off it for a while, I can see how much it was fucking with my head. It was like I was drugged sometimes during the day. Two is too much. Too much for real use. Too much for long term use.
Safe dosage is 1 tablet 3-5 times a week for no more than 2-3 weeks. This is 2, 7, 4. If I do this, this is going to fuck me up. This is going to hurt. This is stupid.
I've decided I've got to cut it back to 1 a night, somehow. I don't know how. I know I'm still taking two and will probably do so for a while. I've got to, in order to sleep. and my doctor knows best, right?
Right.. I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this. My time is limited, and so's my mind. I want to tell my story. I want to share that story, just once. To go through with it, to finish it, to end it, to tell a moral. And let it fly.. or fall. I don't imagine it'll be famous, but.. I want to do my best. I want to touch as many people as I can. I want them to know some part of me, some expression that's unique to me, that only I can create.
Despair and hope. Enjoying life. Accepting death. Overcoming limitations.
If my mind breaks, I can't tell the story as well. I have to hold back. I can't do 60 tablets in a month. I need to be able to use the full faculties of my mind. I've got to get out of this medicated haze before the fog rolls in.
2:33 End spiel
NO FUCK YOU I SEE WHAT'S REAL
2:43
Effects are clearly taking effect. Undulating visuals. No longer able to distinghusgh between things.Th The pony is behind this paper. This pwper is kjust a paper.rrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
4.3.12
Sunday Morning, March 04, 2012
2:20 Liftoff
Today noting haooen, ex atk ;tgedreasn are ajktas ioioioi
Today noting haooen, ex atk ;tgedreasn are ajktas ioioioi
2.3.12
Saturday Morning, March 3rd, 2012
1:25 - liftoff
The day yssjcdgh]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]];;''
The suro]]]riundings are madness, Lighjting storm reality is bending,. I has become mutable We,, drifting and seeinjg jow amother world look. My posotioon pts me at a cornelooking a t my scewnall== and all the whilem popko- o]ik]kikolokloplpioimoossipopvvbpllllllllllliiiewEBBBBBBB''pEOP[[P]P[QR][PW][ETR];LDFADFADF
wHY DO i DO THESE THINGS. wHAT PUPOSE IS THis to LEARN AND TO LOVE TO OVERCOME T]YOUR BOUNDARIES, CADSWFWF SELFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
1:40 - effects are clear. Loooking past the boundaries of thje screens reveals a infinite exoanse of similia materials. L ike am emdless planel'''' /it is oft=en as a people wll approacj from tge of this ope na and epodiiseidj W e ar ar e xposed here. Thjey and go without guarded. we ar vulnerable illusions.Er Mjdg Es]]\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
ugh
2 a<\\\\
wq 1cCODE RED
THEY ARE IN OUR INFRASTRJCJTJ TJEU CPRR\\\]]]]]]\\\\\\\\\\\\\\cpvvodrgoobgocofcppppppcccodfcode red
oNothing can be sane past this line.,
all who cross it are lost. We will help
but eventutll our tiem will''''';;;llll;
End Time 1:00, 15 minutes before we gean
1:51 Calm. No problems. It is as if there were nothing at all.I am in total control of my mental and motor faculties. I am.. unnerved to look back and see the messages I was writing not... 10, 15 minutes ago? And now I write with clarity and thought again. Boundaries.. I'm talking of boundaries. My illusions made me feel as if the space between my computer and the wall expands into forever; a large office hallway, and I'm set up against a corner. I saw myself see it. It is not there anymore.
2:07 Sane. Normal. The trip is over. I've neer gotten here before. I've always konked out. It feels like something sucked it away in the middle of the trip. strange..
The day yssjcdgh]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]];;''
The suro]]]riundings are madness, Lighjting storm reality is bending,. I has become mutable We,, drifting and seeinjg jow amother world look. My posotioon pts me at a cornelooking a t my scewnall== and all the whilem popko- o]ik]kikolokloplpioimoossipopvvbpllllllllllliiiewEBBBBBBB''pEOP[[P]P[QR][PW][ETR];LDFADFADF
wHY DO i DO THESE THINGS. wHAT PUPOSE IS THis to LEARN AND TO LOVE TO OVERCOME T]YOUR BOUNDARIES, CADSWFWF SELFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
1:40 - effects are clear. Loooking past the boundaries of thje screens reveals a infinite exoanse of similia materials. L ike am emdless planel'''' /it is oft=en as a people wll approacj from tge of this ope na and epodiiseidj W e ar ar e xposed here. Thjey and go without guarded. we ar vulnerable illusions.Er Mjdg Es]]\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
ugh
2 a<\\\\
wq 1cCODE RED
THEY ARE IN OUR INFRASTRJCJTJ TJEU CPRR\\\]]]]]]\\\\\\\\\\\\\\cpvvodrgoobgocofcppppppcccodfcode red
oNothing can be sane past this line.,
all who cross it are lost. We will help
but eventutll our tiem will''''';;;llll;
End Time 1:00, 15 minutes before we gean
1:51 Calm. No problems. It is as if there were nothing at all.I am in total control of my mental and motor faculties. I am.. unnerved to look back and see the messages I was writing not... 10, 15 minutes ago? And now I write with clarity and thought again. Boundaries.. I'm talking of boundaries. My illusions made me feel as if the space between my computer and the wall expands into forever; a large office hallway, and I'm set up against a corner. I saw myself see it. It is not there anymore.
2:07 Sane. Normal. The trip is over. I've neer gotten here before. I've always konked out. It feels like something sucked it away in the middle of the trip. strange..
Friday Morning, March 2nd, 2012
1:15 AM - Liftoff
1:35 AM - Effects beginning to occur. Lightheadedness, the "tripping" effect. Nonsensical, light.
WWhen the in-game effects occur, tehere are sounds being produced far beyond the normal sounds; either produced specificially for me, o I had a perpctivce change to see them, It's hard to sayy. Combat.. different. Louder. Meat. Not number.
2[45- tOTAL CONTROL OVER TH ESIBJECT IS Q00
2 am
Object is more or less ttaking up residence in motor control and whatever muscle rll weaponised irk w
2 am
nothing serius, Abandonint Tes due to safety concerns,
1:35 AM - Effects beginning to occur. Lightheadedness, the "tripping" effect. Nonsensical, light.
WWhen the in-game effects occur, tehere are sounds being produced far beyond the normal sounds; either produced specificially for me, o I had a perpctivce change to see them, It's hard to sayy. Combat.. different. Louder. Meat. Not number.
2[45- tOTAL CONTROL OVER TH ESIBJECT IS Q00
2 am
Object is more or less ttaking up residence in motor control and whatever muscle rll weaponised irk w
2 am
nothing serius, Abandonint Tes due to safety concerns,
1.3.12
Thursday Morning, March 1st, 2012
Thursday morning:
1 AM
Liftoff.
1:25 AM
Nothing big.
1:34
I am experiencing the effects where the desk will seenm to shift forwasrd and back again, Slowly, shigting, gliding.I KNOW tjis is not actually occuring.It's all in me and my sight. My sight is dictating the world's movements.I can control where I, stop surgersl==,]]
Normally, there is nothing beyond the black of the screem Right now it is essentially it's ownw orld. The wallas that once existed are gone. aand now I overlook and I see a dark allway filled cloth and strings. the refuge of arf ad fust Ih.
Resume Sanity. What I saw was a sserieis of grunts,agents,/the y==y impeded me. and I saw our battlefield. As I type now, cfchawerfcas move.If I can periecve it, it is REAL
Tjrt]]] Threwre was a giajjtWhen
When you look past the eddgr past th edge of the screen, there's is nothing, an enmoty oso==o=========p[[ 'but that it= s==== nit tru.''''
Ir is from these channels that the worldsf forkl ajd jsdksoooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa0000000000000
okan
1:46
Barricade has arousen,
Ful visual effecrst. I I just had an argum099999999aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;p[[;['
sio===sIOsisioo
STOP
'THIS IS GIBBERISH
/TIY;RE SOyyy''']
yyS
2:31:
Calm has come. No more outrageous hallucinations. No more surfing on my own persitives0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
ok maybe a dew. All calm. All resolved. no fools madea selse out of. Gentlemen, are aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
1 AM
Liftoff.
1:25 AM
Nothing big.
1:34
I am experiencing the effects where the desk will seenm to shift forwasrd and back again, Slowly, shigting, gliding.I KNOW tjis is not actually occuring.It's all in me and my sight. My sight is dictating the world's movements.I can control where I, stop surgersl==,]]
Normally, there is nothing beyond the black of the screem Right now it is essentially it's ownw orld. The wallas that once existed are gone. aand now I overlook and I see a dark allway filled cloth and strings. the refuge of arf ad fust Ih.
Resume Sanity. What I saw was a sserieis of grunts,agents,/the y==y impeded me. and I saw our battlefield. As I type now, cfchawerfcas move.If I can periecve it, it is REAL
Tjrt]]] Threwre was a giajjtWhen
When you look past the eddgr past th edge of the screen, there's is nothing, an enmoty oso==o=========p[[ 'but that it= s==== nit tru.''''
Ir is from these channels that the worldsf forkl ajd jsdksoooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa0000000000000
okan
1:46
Barricade has arousen,
Ful visual effecrst. I I just had an argum099999999aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;p[[;['
sio===sIOsisioo
STOP
'THIS IS GIBBERISH
/TIY;RE SOyyy''']
yyS
2:31:
Calm has come. No more outrageous hallucinations. No more surfing on my own persitives0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
ok maybe a dew. All calm. All resolved. no fools madea selse out of. Gentlemen, are aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tuesday Morning, Feb 28th, 2012
Monday Night/Tuesday Morning
0 Minutes - 12:44 AM
15 minutes - 1:01 AM
Jack shit.
1: 21- 1:28 am
Effects are in control. Laid-back, easy to interface with the intentions stated. While attempting to hold a comversation in a chartoom, linees of the chatrooms would become more physical.. they would lfoat out above their lines, and it made looking at them difficult.
People, all the time. People that are not real. They do interact with me. I suspect they are part of the open world scenario. My surroundings become impossible to discern; where once a simple wall loomed over my desk, a field of felt and red desins, The scenario is simply that the environment expandes to become a new, grander environment based on the user's thoughts. Unconcious thoughs. Gently controlled thought contol these.
1:59 am - 1 hour after first contact.
Stillgoing fine. Strange moods, fey moods, and the extended world thing, but nothing has drastically altered my ability to percieve. Altough I would seem distracted, I could hold a conversation on a complicated subject.
2:21 - 1 hour, 20 minutes.
Fey mood, nothing to report.
2:30 - 1 hour, 30 minutes.
I got noting.Mild effects, no big shakers. This is what must being baked feels like. Just... kind of out of it, calm. Frontal lobes stinking.
0 Minutes - 12:44 AM
15 minutes - 1:01 AM
Jack shit.
1: 21- 1:28 am
Effects are in control. Laid-back, easy to interface with the intentions stated. While attempting to hold a comversation in a chartoom, linees of the chatrooms would become more physical.. they would lfoat out above their lines, and it made looking at them difficult.
People, all the time. People that are not real. They do interact with me. I suspect they are part of the open world scenario. My surroundings become impossible to discern; where once a simple wall loomed over my desk, a field of felt and red desins, The scenario is simply that the environment expandes to become a new, grander environment based on the user's thoughts. Unconcious thoughs. Gently controlled thought contol these.
1:59 am - 1 hour after first contact.
Stillgoing fine. Strange moods, fey moods, and the extended world thing, but nothing has drastically altered my ability to percieve. Altough I would seem distracted, I could hold a conversation on a complicated subject.
2:21 - 1 hour, 20 minutes.
Fey mood, nothing to report.
2:30 - 1 hour, 30 minutes.
I got noting.Mild effects, no big shakers. This is what must being baked feels like. Just... kind of out of it, calm. Frontal lobes stinking.
Monday Morning, Feb 27th, 2012
Monday Evening/Tuesday Morning
0 minutes in- why did I even type this
30 minutes in - A calm. A calm It took me to places, expamded tje waalls or my perceprtion of them- I was in a long, vast area, and they were transporting me Ytyinh to typing skills are rapiddl decreasdingg as sauri miiri function fgoes. Logs from here are at the whims of madness.
Bless.
40 minutes in
IT's been roughly an hour since first contact. I've experienced sudden shifts into alternate world, but always, alway I know it's fake. It's like a living dream, you're THERE but the moment you firmly grasp your TRUE self the illusioh fades.
You've never been here before, earting these foods. Creatures talk to you. They want thing.. so far, just the spiders in the food, the blue face near the window drape.
Normally I am capable of almost running two screens biologibcally- eyes closed, living dream, blink open, handle real worl
but neither world is true, I am just running back and forth and putting on a good show for two kester acts.
As bad as this is, I know this is not the worst. There is a stage ahead where even I will cow and ecide to sleep instead of investigate.
Are we at that point now? in my mother psyych breaks, did this happen? No..I think this is the first time we;ve been given a break from the sensations.;'''
Assessment:
I do not feel different then normal. there is nothing new to report on my mood, stature, ,demeanor, desires. As far as I can tell, the drug has merely prepared my body for sleep and is acting as a pyschotrope.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwqqqqqqq= = Okay, it can still paralze my body for periods of time in a frightening maater. Suggestion'; go to bed.
If I stay alone, I coul make a fool of mtself----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp Not again. Random drams strike if I am cacreless of close both eyes. ut I h=can sot thu,s Data indicipherable.
0 minutes in- why did I even type this
30 minutes in - A calm. A calm It took me to places, expamded tje waalls or my perceprtion of them- I was in a long, vast area, and they were transporting me Ytyinh to typing skills are rapiddl decreasdingg as sauri miiri function fgoes. Logs from here are at the whims of madness.
Bless.
40 minutes in
IT's been roughly an hour since first contact. I've experienced sudden shifts into alternate world, but always, alway I know it's fake. It's like a living dream, you're THERE but the moment you firmly grasp your TRUE self the illusioh fades.
You've never been here before, earting these foods. Creatures talk to you. They want thing.. so far, just the spiders in the food, the blue face near the window drape.
Normally I am capable of almost running two screens biologibcally- eyes closed, living dream, blink open, handle real worl
but neither world is true, I am just running back and forth and putting on a good show for two kester acts.
As bad as this is, I know this is not the worst. There is a stage ahead where even I will cow and ecide to sleep instead of investigate.
Are we at that point now? in my mother psyych breaks, did this happen? No..I think this is the first time we;ve been given a break from the sensations.;'''
Assessment:
I do not feel different then normal. there is nothing new to report on my mood, stature, ,demeanor, desires. As far as I can tell, the drug has merely prepared my body for sleep and is acting as a pyschotrope.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwqqqqqqq= = Okay, it can still paralze my body for periods of time in a frightening maater. Suggestion'; go to bed.
If I stay alone, I coul make a fool of mtself----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp Not again. Random drams strike if I am cacreless of close both eyes. ut I h=can sot thu,s Data indicipherable.
Saturday Morning, Feb 26th, 2012
Friday Night/Sat Morning-
10 minutes in- Nothing.
20 minutes in-
Tingling sensation beginning. Noticing a slight mask filter to my vision, sense of touch altered. Nothing new here.
rocking. My legs, whole body, everyrhinf0==jt it is a matrix. All experience, field, ecisions, percepropomfjdko
50 -
Doing alrigtht. Mild visual and psychopathic attacks, but able to recover and ressume function, identityi, and location. waves.
Crested under- suffered several visual, tactile, auditoryial warps. It was like the machine set up was being lifted and gently flided to a new location, and I could sense it with everu part of my body. The rocking movements, the new scene. I knew for a FACT I hadn't actually, and so i reacjed out and grasped the edge of my dresser.
The whole hallucination feel apart, but inidividual aspects cominute. Indepneidng talking. 3d 2d text.
10 minutes in- Nothing.
20 minutes in-
Tingling sensation beginning. Noticing a slight mask filter to my vision, sense of touch altered. Nothing new here.
rocking. My legs, whole body, everyrhinf0==jt it is a matrix. All experience, field, ecisions, percepropomfjdko
50 -
Doing alrigtht. Mild visual and psychopathic attacks, but able to recover and ressume function, identityi, and location. waves.
Crested under- suffered several visual, tactile, auditoryial warps. It was like the machine set up was being lifted and gently flided to a new location, and I could sense it with everu part of my body. The rocking movements, the new scene. I knew for a FACT I hadn't actually, and so i reacjed out and grasped the edge of my dresser.
The whole hallucination feel apart, but inidividual aspects cominute. Indepneidng talking. 3d 2d text.
Friday Morning, Feb 24th, 2012
Friday Morning,
15 minutes in-
no Changes. Can feel it tickling, but otherwise in control.
Visual of text interface has altered and become an independent process.
Keyboard hasgun to feel as if it were an indepenendet entitity. Easy to use, just.. unconnected? It feels like it has no context to use it.
Hard to explain.
World is starting to shake, rock back and forth.
This is imposssible, so this is a perceptional hallucination.
what is relally going on when I am feeling moved to a seperate spot?I am not moving at all. Mt body remains in place. I am not lifting myu arse and the whol computer set ip. I -I-I am not causing this, an there is no power tjat can. So theofore, it isn't- tje effects I see are entirely i the contains of my mind. All of it. Visual, auditorial. the whispers mear wall turn it into a nit of a stage production, pepople mumurmuing there an dwhat no. And oh, my , oeiok cime and ogk they comea nd they go I am tired.============-------''
I was convinced there was a man a =I hAad ti eheat into to domrhting.
It is irrelevant.
I was majorly influened and compelled by a froce and will not my own, wile shades shifted nearby and spoke , lookig down, like tje fakest grotjl ofo''
It is the decision of thi journal that the vents continained past this point be locked aaccess rendered null to ll===--=-=0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
suddenly like I was about to trip inot tjr,tr';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
15 minutes in-
no Changes. Can feel it tickling, but otherwise in control.
Visual of text interface has altered and become an independent process.
Keyboard hasgun to feel as if it were an indepenendet entitity. Easy to use, just.. unconnected? It feels like it has no context to use it.
Hard to explain.
World is starting to shake, rock back and forth.
This is imposssible, so this is a perceptional hallucination.
what is relally going on when I am feeling moved to a seperate spot?I am not moving at all. Mt body remains in place. I am not lifting myu arse and the whol computer set ip. I -I-I am not causing this, an there is no power tjat can. So theofore, it isn't- tje effects I see are entirely i the contains of my mind. All of it. Visual, auditorial. the whispers mear wall turn it into a nit of a stage production, pepople mumurmuing there an dwhat no. And oh, my , oeiok cime and ogk they comea nd they go I am tired.============-------''
I was convinced there was a man a =I hAad ti eheat into to domrhting.
It is irrelevant.
I was majorly influened and compelled by a froce and will not my own, wile shades shifted nearby and spoke , lookig down, like tje fakest grotjl ofo''
It is the decision of thi journal that the vents continained past this point be locked aaccess rendered null to ll===--=-=0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
suddenly like I was about to trip inot tjr,tr';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Thursday Morning, Feb 23rd, 2012
ddcaa q
Personal notes:
20 minutes in-=p
I have a tight sensation in my chest but it hasn't kicked in yet. I pknow I haven't eaten recently- just a few stale fries. Is that enough to significantly delay the onset of symptoms?
Noticing some typos- normally I type more or less 99% accurately. This means automatic motor function is becoming impaired. Or implies? Or could mean.
Normally, I'll notice a perception shift, like cresting a wave before it hits. And it hits fast. Faaast. And USUALLY, I think it's not hitting me, but a fterwards I'll realize how much it WAS at the time- the two combined are like being ignorant of when it starts and suddenly "Realizing" it when it's at full blast.
So it's possible I'm being effected right now and I just won't know it until afterwords.
I remember starting to babble.. and still thinking I was totally fine, last night.
Light sensation in head is second warning sign of the coming onslaught.
Mereors are===============================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It has me. 1 hour later, is has ame.
Mild perceptive changes- touch feels a bit different. Things feel less comfortable or automatic. Skin is rough.
30 minute sin-
Light daze to actions. Upper intellects uneffected, still capable of logic and reason. Seems to be setting root in automatic motor functions. No shakes or spasms, just a lack of total control.
Sensations are definitely effected now. Visual experience is harder to track and more.. expansive? bright? Louder, in the visual sense.
Sensations have become even more effected. Trademark slight sensitivity combined with a strange taste of something I cannot pinpoint in my mouth. Eyes harder to move. Chest tight. Taking deep breaths to release stress.
Ability to string words together compromised but not rendered unfunctional. Trouble focusing. Actions are less discplined, more likely to be acting on instinct or desire.
Floaty.
40 minutes in-
I am clearly under the effect by now. Trouble typing, sensations altered- louder visuals, less connections between them, less context. More impulsive, higher functions relaxing.
My attention is drawn to the graphical effects in the game. Not the major ones, but the minor effects; animation effects. The things I would normally be paying attention to, I am not.
The bitter taste of something has set toot in my mouth. I drink chocolate milk now and then to diminish the effect for an hour.d d
STAGE 2a
Major behavior changes. Physical motion induces sensations of hallucinating and alterations of mind nad perpective. The brain eems to be forming an ambient environment around me based on noises that it is creating; aWORLD for me to reside in as I lay
it has started shaking.I know as rational man nothing is shaking. It is nly my mind thats so. but still i feel it. A roll in the waves. The set up is alive.
Corruption of physical senses is complete. My sensations of touch are now in the full control of the drug.
Mental state rapidly detoriating. Train of thought easy to mislead. Easily distracted by the loudness s and misinteretatpoion of them.,
50 minutes in
Stage 3
Auditorial and occasional visual jalluciations. C
All it takes is my etes being closed- and nightmares ewai.;kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' the hallucinations are the entroapment. React, respond time significantl delayed . Motor comtrol i s-s-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo' igrr gkdssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssppppppppppppppppppppppppppppspssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssppppppssssssssssppppkssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssdd 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Personal notes:
20 minutes in-=p
I have a tight sensation in my chest but it hasn't kicked in yet. I pknow I haven't eaten recently- just a few stale fries. Is that enough to significantly delay the onset of symptoms?
Noticing some typos- normally I type more or less 99% accurately. This means automatic motor function is becoming impaired. Or implies? Or could mean.
Normally, I'll notice a perception shift, like cresting a wave before it hits. And it hits fast. Faaast. And USUALLY, I think it's not hitting me, but a fterwards I'll realize how much it WAS at the time- the two combined are like being ignorant of when it starts and suddenly "Realizing" it when it's at full blast.
So it's possible I'm being effected right now and I just won't know it until afterwords.
I remember starting to babble.. and still thinking I was totally fine, last night.
Light sensation in head is second warning sign of the coming onslaught.
Mereors are===============================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It has me. 1 hour later, is has ame.
Mild perceptive changes- touch feels a bit different. Things feel less comfortable or automatic. Skin is rough.
30 minute sin-
Light daze to actions. Upper intellects uneffected, still capable of logic and reason. Seems to be setting root in automatic motor functions. No shakes or spasms, just a lack of total control.
Sensations are definitely effected now. Visual experience is harder to track and more.. expansive? bright? Louder, in the visual sense.
Sensations have become even more effected. Trademark slight sensitivity combined with a strange taste of something I cannot pinpoint in my mouth. Eyes harder to move. Chest tight. Taking deep breaths to release stress.
Ability to string words together compromised but not rendered unfunctional. Trouble focusing. Actions are less discplined, more likely to be acting on instinct or desire.
Floaty.
40 minutes in-
I am clearly under the effect by now. Trouble typing, sensations altered- louder visuals, less connections between them, less context. More impulsive, higher functions relaxing.
My attention is drawn to the graphical effects in the game. Not the major ones, but the minor effects; animation effects. The things I would normally be paying attention to, I am not.
The bitter taste of something has set toot in my mouth. I drink chocolate milk now and then to diminish the effect for an hour.d d
STAGE 2a
Major behavior changes. Physical motion induces sensations of hallucinating and alterations of mind nad perpective. The brain eems to be forming an ambient environment around me based on noises that it is creating; aWORLD for me to reside in as I lay
it has started shaking.I know as rational man nothing is shaking. It is nly my mind thats so. but still i feel it. A roll in the waves. The set up is alive.
Corruption of physical senses is complete. My sensations of touch are now in the full control of the drug.
Mental state rapidly detoriating. Train of thought easy to mislead. Easily distracted by the loudness s and misinteretatpoion of them.,
50 minutes in
Stage 3
Auditorial and occasional visual jalluciations. C
All it takes is my etes being closed- and nightmares ewai.;kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' the hallucinations are the entroapment. React, respond time significantl delayed . Motor comtrol i s-s-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo' igrr gkdssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssppppppppppppppppppppppppppppspssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssppppppssssssssssppppkssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssdd 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